Minneapolis is the 7th most frugal city in the nation according to coupons.com. LINK

He walks briskly through automatic doors and into the bellows of his favorite shopping center. A planned walk down six aisles takes him to the items on his list.

He’ll have that one and that one and that one…

“Here you go, cashier. Check me out!” He winks and hands her a bulging wad of printed coupons.

She is, of course, impressed.

Minneapolis: So many deals, so many coupons. I feel like I’m stealing! ATTENTION EVERYONE, ON YOUR KNEES, THIS IS A CLIP-UP!

Jezebel ranks Minneapolis as its 13th Most Lesbianish City in a recent review of national lesbian hot-spots. LINK

We’ve got a lot to be proud of in the Minnesota Lynx women’s basketball team — they won the championship last year. Evidently their games are also a great place for chicks to pick up chicks.

But that’s not all! We also have piercings and bikes and stuff. And some liberal arts colleges. And, more to the point, lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!

Minneapolis: Let me be straight with you. This is a great place for lesbians.

Minneapolis is the 4th best place to stay young according to the site Real Age. LINK

Stress, smoking, diet and exercise all contribute to our youth! And vigor!

We eat a lot of whole grains too! Which contributes to good blood pressure!

Ha ha ha! Mill City! That’s us! Not a care in the world! Just walking along briskly, stuffin’ our maws with Cheerios! Like babies!

Minneapolis: The fountain of youth lies hidden in the bellows of General Mills’ corporate headquarters. (But you didn’t hear it from me!)

Minneapolis is the 11th best-paying city for women in America according to ForbesWoman. LINK

Women in Minneapolis make $52,243 annually, on average, or roughly 73% of what men make in our same city.

Our industries favor skilled labor, which helps, and one can assume there are other factors pushing up our value (education, experience, family commitments, percentage of women in the workforce) but the article isn’t getting specific since its findings come straight from average earnings recorded in the most recent census and that’s all.

Minneapolis: We’re rich as queens.

According to the 2011 health rankings assessed by the United Health Foundation, Minnesota is the 6th healthiest state in the nation. LINK

I’m confused somewhat by the rubric of measurement for this study. Old favorites like smoking and diabetes play into our ranking but so do child poverty, violent crime and graduation rates.

Perpetrators of violent crime, in the movies, are often smokers. So maybe I see that correlation. And drop outs might be getting all diabetic on the free fast food from their jobs…so…there again. Maybe that makes sense? I’m really reaching here.

Minnesota: Demure, affluent and smart enough to care about our health.

According to a survey conducted by LivingSocial, Minnesotans are among the most insecure people in the nation. LINK

While other cities may think they’re hot stuff (8+ on the scale of good-lookingness MMHMM SURE YAH RIGHT) and more, Minnesotans know they’re probably just about average. Could be worse, could be better. No right to brag though, certainly.

Twin Cities: If it’s even possible we’re good, we’d never admit to it. Ever.

According to Alice.com, the Twin Cities are the 15th most romantic metro in the nation. LINK

Online, we spend a fair amount of time searching for and purchasing items that might aid our sexual health: lubes, feathers, pregnancy tests. Responsible stuff like that.

The real lesson here is that respect yields romance. And the more you spend on sex aids the more romantic you must be, right? Maybe.

I’m pretty romantic, just cheap. Here are some sweet ideas, from me to you, of things you can make or do for your boyfriend this Valentine’s Day or whatever: crochet a thong for him, knit a portrait of his face, adapt a fairy tale of how you met into PowerPoint, write a song with nice lyrics instead of angry ones where you complain about how he just doesn’t “get you,” put out.

Minneapolis and St. Paul: We have a healthy interest in sex.

GOOD recently published an excellent article about the state of Minneapolis and its direction under Mayor R.T. Rybak. LINK

I really enjoyed reading this article about the history, priorities and work of Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak. Highly recommended.

Minneapolis: “It is not a utopia, not by any stretch. It’s just a city that works.”

Minneapolis is the 15th coldest city in the U.S. according to The Daily Beast. LINK

Not so cold as North Dakota, slightly warmer than Iowa, Minnesota has three pretty cold cities and one of them is Minneapolis. Could be worse! Could be Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Which is where I’m from. Which ranks #8. And kind of sucks besides. OH SNAP.

Minneapolis: We spend a third of our year trapped in snow.

BoingBoing blogger and Minneapolitan Maggie Koerth-Baker said thanks this year for Minneapolis. LINK

We all like living here. Just enjoy the Kumbaya moment.

“Minneapolis: We Build Good Stuff and Take Care of Things.”

The Fast Horse Blog shows us that we are currently suffering through the worst period in Minnesota sports ever. LINK

We really are not winning many games. Look at that chart! We’re in the dip. Like losers. Biting down hard on the Juicy Lucy of game play (the burger I guess) and spewing forth a terrible stream of hot losses (you know, the cheese).

Minnesota: There’s never been a worse time than now to watch ESPN.

According to the Huffington Post, Minnesota produces more turkeys per year than any other state in the nation. LINK

Two Minnesotan turkeys, Liberty and Peace, were pardoned last week by President Obama in honor of our national holiday Thanksgiving. Within days I pardoned myself for turkey-related burps.

Minnesota: You’ve likely gobbled our turkeys.

Minnesota is the only state in the nation with a formal holiday light recycling program. LINK

It’s almost Thanksgiving. Which means it’s almost Christmas. Which means you might buy a tree this season. And what’s a tree without lights? That’s a heartwarming tale for another time and only Charlie Brown can tell the story.

For the rest of us holiday decorators, or kids wanting to have the coolest dorm room, or people getting married, these holiday light strings are a burden. MUCH better to toss an old bundle and buy a new pack than struggle with anything time-consuming. Ever.

I agree. You agree. Various organizations in Minnesota agree.

Thank goodness then for this recycling program, which will transform your old messy partially-active holiday lights into absolutions of guilt.

Ahhh. Hear that sigh? It’s relief. I guess you WERE a good boy or girl this year after all.

Minnesota: Light on waste.

Players for the Minnesota Vikings have recently surpassed all other football teams in the league, in terms of police arrests, since SignOnSanDiego.com began tracking such statistics in 2000. LINK

When it comes to being caught in the act, the Minnesota Vikings are simply the best. Hands down. On a Bible.

Minnesota: Won’t you let us take you on a lake cruise?

According to Forbes, Minneapolis is America’s #1 healthiest city. LINK

By making exercise a priority and frequently breathing our free, clean air, Minneapolitans are getting out and staying fit better than anyone else in America.

Also, the fitness centers. I guess we have a lot of them and people actually go?

Don’t forget about the parks. We enjoy those too. We take our bikes and our dogs to them and walk upon the cool, sweet grass.

Probably it helps too that we banned smoking, like, forever ago.

Also, I bet we eat really well. That seems likely, right?

Minneapolis: It just fits.